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Wednesday, December 18th, 2002

Subject:i like clouds...
Time:2:25 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
So I woke up really early today to make it to my doctor’s appointment. I was beginning to miss the public transportation since school was out. Oh well...

So I’m standing at the bus stop which is right in front of an elementary school...from kindergarten to first grade. I know because my brother and my little cousins used to go to this school. And I just wouldn’t believe how many cute kids I’m seeing today. Little girls dressing so cute...and little boys as well. And put a smile on my face. Looking on my left side to see if my bus was coming I saw 2 little kids riding one scooter. The big brother must be dropping his little bro off. He had his little bro tucked in his arms in front of him on the scooter, seeing three little feet on it as they glide across the pavement. They stopped by the gate and the big brother gave his little brother his backpack and gave each other high five. The put an even bigger smile on my face. It made me think way back in my days of innocense with my little brother...

Times when I had him hop on the bike with me so I can teach him how to ride it. He was so short and skinny. He fit just right in my arms wrapped all the way around him. He was so anxious to get his training wheels taken off, and when it was time to learn he couldn’t stop grabbing on my arms so I won’t let go. In ways that he never knew, I was over protective even if I wasn’t around. I remember people yelling at us to hurry up at a water slide because I wanted to make sure he sat on the gliding mat properly so he won’t slip out and get hurt. Then I turned around and flipped those people off. Sorry, I don’t want my brother to get injured, you morons!

Anyway, back to the bus stop. I looked around even more to see more of these Kodak moments. And not too far away from where I was standing, I saw a little blonde girl in her little cute skirt and pink shirt, kiss her daddy who was on his knee in front of her...right on his nose...and said “I love you, daddy”. Then he taps her tiny nose and said “see you later, pumpkin”. I got teary-eyed, remembering the things that I lack and what I’m missing in life. I shook off the feeling and looked for the bus. “Where the heck is the bus?” I thought to myself. Then couple of minutes later, there it came.

So I got myself situated on the bus, sitting on the left side. Few minutes later, a lady with her son hopped on board and sat on my right side. Her son was so cute, I looked at him and noticed that he was already looking at me. I said hello and he said hi. I asked him what he was playing with he blabbed on and on about his “super hero” action figure. And I asked him what his special powers were and he told that his super-hero-action-figure could see the future. So I asked him if his super hero could see mine, then the little boy told me that I was going to have lots of presents for Christmas from Santa and I’m going to win a million dollars. He made me laugh. And then I thought about my plans this coming 2003. I’m due for my externship and I’m hoping that my site would be in pediatrics. Since I’m in this caring-for-adorable-little-kids frenzy, I figured that I would love it.

His mom asked him to eat his banana so I let him sit where she was seated. I looked over to my left, and looked out the window, and who do I see? My ex-boyfriend for 3 years, who is now a father to a baby boy... in his Xterra, tilting his chin up so the visor can block the sun beaming right into his eyes. It’s great that hints are just being rubbed in my face about settling down and having a family...especially by someone who names his son the named the we thought of when we were in love...or so we thought...boy, was I ever wrong. Now that I’m starting think of all these negative thoughts, it dawned to me that...I’m just bitter because I wish it was me who was married (not to him, of course); but to an amazing husband, with awesome kids. Living in a cozy home with white picket fence, a kind dog named Grover. Nice neighbors...fancy living room and a kitchen with.....STOP!!!

See I forgot that I’m living in the real world, and things like that only exist in my Lala Land.

:: zooms out of set of mind frame, focuses on the string to pull for stop request ::

< exit, stage right >
Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

Monday, November 11th, 2002

Subject:i need a good laugh (second entry)
Time:2:30 pm.
Mood: bored.
Sometimes after class, I can’t help but wander off before I catch the bus home. I tend to kill my time by walking around campus. I love doing it just because my campus has this relaxing environment. In the middle of mother nature. I don’t know...I guess it’s just me...

Sitting at the bus stop it’s become a habit of mine staring down looking at what odd things may be sitting on the ground. So I made an imaginary list in my head...

Objects:

- gum and candy wrappers. (Pretty normal)
- dirty and stepped on flyers. (Again, normal)
- balled up papers, big and small. (Acceptable)
- fingernail clippings. (What the fuuuuhhh?!)
- beat up pencil. (That’s okay)
- pieces of gum dried up and stuck to the ground. (Someone needs to scrape them gross things off!)
- hair extension. (Oooohh hewwllll noooohhh!)

Alright I’ve seen it all! Now what ghetto Boungqueesha left her hurrrr that she had her baybeh daddy buy out here?!! Sistah needs to do her stitchings right next time! I ain’t even gonna say nothing anymore...

Okay enough ghettoness....can’t handle that stuff.

So anyway, some old friends from the past have been popping up like pimples lately. And like pimples...they pop out unexpectedly. Some I don’t mind...and some just makes me want to pop ‘em. Nah, I ain’t like that. But I guess it’s kind of nice hearing from them. But hey, pimples are pimples. A blast from the past is always cool...but in my case...when it comes to my past...who likes pimples?!! It’s all good though. I guess I make some feel weird about our get together because of how I’ve changed. Not drastically. But I guess the way I am now. Well-put-together I suppose. Hmmm...whatever...damn that. It’s really not that big of a deal.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:go away!
Time:2:09 pm.
Mood: relaxed.
Somehow I’ve managed to get myself out of the situation before it got way out of hand and id be kicking people’s ass for not knowing to be responsible for their own actions. Honestly, as you get older...it’s getting harder and harder for you to keep people as far as only having the “real” ones stick around. You would think that the older they get, the easier should be for them to be real with you. Wrong...I realized that’s not about how old the person is...it’s about how much they know and how wiser they’ve become due to past dilemmas they’ve gone through. So needless to say, the less experienced you are when it comes to real-life problems...the less you know how to deal...and the less mature you happen to be. I know it sounds harsh...but that’s reality.

You know what they say, if it wasn’t for all the pain and suffering you’ve gone through...you wouldn’t be as strong as you are now. I’m not saying go out there and put yourself through shit so you’d be wiser and be firm with your own strength, but I suggest that you better know how to swim before you go diving in without knowing how deep the water is. Am I making any sense here?

Well this “friend” I thought I had, watched me, in first row, how I dealt with this certain scenario...that I just got out of. Convincing someone to let go of the past so I can move on without any guilt. Well, he watched me go through my ups and downs with different levels of faith at the same time. And at the end of all the things that I had to do to make things right, he actually said that he felt so bad for me. What’s that? A non-abruptive way of telling me that he feels sorry for me? Guy please...because I don’t even feel sorry or half bad for myself. This is just another ditch in the road...and then I’d keep moving afterwards. I mean if I’m going to sit here and feel bad and wallow in self-pity...where in the fuck would that take me? It reminds me of what my ex-gf used to say; “If I sat here and gave a fuck about what other people said and thought about me...where would that take me?” NOWHERE! So yeah, I’m not going to sit here and be butt-hurt that you feel sorry for me because of my life’s trials and tribulations...I’m not purposely trying to set myself up to get screwed her or anything you know. For once in my life, I’m actually trying to make things right. Not just for my sake, but for everyone else that I’m involved in. I’m just irked that I got involved with you.

Somewhere along the conversation he mentioned how my situation had traumatized him. Holy shit! I never asked him to stick around. He knew from the get-go that what I was going through is a bit tough from the “squares” point of view...for one, he’s closed-minded when it comes to bisexuality/homosexuality. So how in the hell would he know what people like that go through? Especially if we’re dealing with emotions here. I should say that I should feel sorry for him for being so clueless. And for someone who has the tools and the freedom to be doing so much better, lacks guidance in life. Ignorance can really be a fuck up the ass. But hey, I never held that over his. What was really stupid was that he tried to compare my obstacles to his. Which wasn’t really the biggest move ever...because believe you me, his confused ass was way too soft for my kind. Immaturity I swear, you would think that you’d never come across that in church...think again!

*takes a deep breath*

He’s least of my worries now, man. I’m sorry that he fell inlove with me. I’m sorry that he feels so much hatred towards me. I wasn’t out to hurt him, I just wanted to make things right with the things and people around me. I asked him to understand and he said he did. He said he was ready to go to war with me...metaphorically speaking...but he walked away. Ask me if I’m hurting. Of course I am, dude. He was supposed to be my boy. We were tight like that . It wasn’t even about him trying to get with me, it was about the friendship we’ve established. Rain or shine, we were homies. Not just that, he was my brother in Christ...

But it’s cool. I’m not tripping because I know I did my part to make things cool with everyone. I’m in the best shape I could ever be. Keeping up with both of my schools, my bestfriend and I are just great. My mom and my brother are in good health. Nothing could be better. All I know is that as long as I did my part with all my heart and with the faith that I have within and trusting everything in our Lord Jesus...then it’s not on me anymore, bro.

Things are peachy-keen...

=)
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, November 10th, 2002

Subject:contemplating...
Time:1:28 pm.
Mood: bored.
i wondered how long would i be sleeping with this secret that i have within. many restless nights have passed me by and still i havent found a way to let out what kills me everytime i see myself being a sucker for my own worst fear. imma stop here....theres really no need to vent out right now.
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Wednesday, October 30th, 2002

Subject:woob woob woob
Time:5:41 pm.
Mood: nerdy.
woooooh. i read my last 2 entries. i really seemed pretty pissed on the other one. wow! well iono how to recap on the one....and i really dont know what the results to that after venting out. but all i know is that my feelings havent changed. im not as pissed anymore..im actually not that mad anymore...but you know that bitter feeling...yeah, thats it. that feeling still lingers. anyway...my midterms are done. but its not like i get any rest from thinking too much cuz i dont...homework actually takes up more time than the actual time that i spend in school...which pretty much is alright by me. school will take me further in life. so im happy, though i have mild complaints...im cool...no problem here.

my relatives from union city are moving to manteca...thats bumming me out, cuz i know im going to miss my god-daughter so much...my wittle cousins are leaving their ate joy...its ok though, ill live. its not like im not going to be visiting them every now and then.

so anyway, im at the library in fremont now killing some time until i have to pick up my mom at fremont bart. it would be nice if i knew that she was going to be picked up i would be killing time here at the library..otherwise i woulda brought my book bag with me and done some school work...cuz i have another midterm this saturday...but its for my other school. (yeah, i go to 2 schools! rock on!) yeah i have mid term for my clinical medical assisting course...i really need to study hardcore! i really dont wanna do bad on the exam cuz my externship relies on that. *sigh*

tick-tock-tick-tock...

....how much longer do i have to sit here! hmmmppphh...i wanted to attend church in hayward today so i could watch the kids at sunnyvale locale tomorrow during adult's worship service...i miss playing with the kids. but i guess not...since im still here killing time and by the time i get my mom it would be too late to get home, get ready..and head out to hayward locale...so i guess i would be worshipping at sunnyvale tomorrow and just forget about watching the kids...darn..

well at least i have half an hour to go...i can handle that..i think...anyway..i know im just blabbing my ass off cuz im just bored but oh well..i guess ill just browse or surf the net until i reach the end...like that one commercial...ha..ok ill shut up now...gawd i feel nerdy today.

hasta past
Comments: Add Your Own.

Thursday, October 10th, 2002

Subject:...in the dark
Time:8:41 pm.
Mood: guilty.
{SELAH}

Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial
Wasting time
Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while
Coping with despair
Knowing you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the sun
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule
Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that I'm wearin' like a skin

And I aim to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin
Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then he came
Selah
And it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came
Selah
And it means
Did ya think about that?
And then he came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is seen

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaved so foolishly
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy till it sees the death of me
Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree to what I know is best for me
Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal
The choices that I have made
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?
In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decisions
Please save me from myself
I need you to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal
And then he came
Selah
And it means
Praise and Meditation
And then he came
Selah
And it means
Did ya think about that?
And he came
Selah
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then he came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is seen

And then he came
And then he came
Then he came then he came then he came
And then he came
And then he came
Comments: Add Your Own.

Wednesday, October 9th, 2002

Subject:my doors are shutting....
Time:9:49 am.
Mood: pissed off.
...:[vEnTiNg]:...

for once in my life, i didnt want to say shit anymore...

how sad is that? you go out of your way just to get pissed off at me. with the things that i cant control and not entirely on me. you keep pointing your fingers at me forgetting to look at yourself in the mirror. at least i know that i fuck up sometimes and i admit to my wrongs. never in denial and apologetic...can you be those things?

in my days of knowing you, ive learned how it is to be the 50% that should make things work. but then again, in my days of knowing you...ive learned that im not that 50%, i make up at least 95% who is the only one trying and making an effort to make this shit work. i learned how to forgive and forget when it comes to other people and other things because of you...but when it comes to us...thats rather hard.

but yet, you think that you are entitled to persecute me because you are who you think you are. and you think that you can be the way you are to me cuz i actually do things for you and do things for the sake of us. you think you can just care today and then not care tomorrow cuz ive let you before...more than i can remember. you think that you can keep playing your stupid games, and think that it doesnt matter because ill always take it and be there tomorrow...

wrong! why should i stick around for more of this unecessary bullshit! ive bent over backwards for you. i sacrifice a hell of a lot for you. i put you before myself. you say that i shouldnt, well you give me no choice. because if i dont, im assed out with the shit you put me through. id rather think for you than for myself than be fed with your bullshit. the way i put that, i shouldnt even give a fuck about you anymore. but the fact that i know that theres a reason for all this and for all the work and effort ive done for the sake of us...i shouldnt give up now and still try my fucking hardest until i kick the bucket to make this work the way we both dream it to be.

so who the fuck is being selfish now? huh? do you even realize that youre a hypocrite? you are so self-absorbed that its sickening. you dont care about anything but yourself! you make up your own ways of happiness and throw me out there to be blamed and to suffer the consequences. this is what i think of you at this moment. if someone were shooting at us, youd use my body as a shield to save your own life. and when i die, youd cry your ass out and tell people..."she died to protect my life. she took a bullet for me..." thats whats going on right now. all this shit is going on, and with all the punishments and restrictions, guess whos ass is on the line here? guess whos sacrificing their own life? ME! not you! ME! just look at the things that you are able to...that i should be too...but im not. you didnt have to sacrifice anything! nothing at all! yet you expect me to do more and kiss your ass until eternity?! you have the fucking nerve!

you havent lost a fucking thing through out this whole situation and yet you expect to gain a shit load? people say no pain no gain. in our case...my pain your gain.

liar...hypocrite...trust you still? fuck that!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, October 7th, 2002

Subject:ghaaawwwwdd!!!
Time:7:48 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
why wont you understand? why wont you see? i am doing my best you know. things are fine, you just need to chill! you just need to trust me. i know i made a couple of mistakes since the last time that we made it right...but im sorry that im weak, im sorry...im still learning. but you gotta understand and accept that fact that things happen around me that i cant control. im not trying to get you mad, im not trying to fuck things up in regards to you and me. but other things in my life happens, and we cant stop that. you have to know that im not actually settled yet, and im still here making up for lost time to reach my goal. now that ive got my things together, i cant mess up now. please, just understand that i have to make things ok with the things that are important to me, and not just you and me.

i dont know how else i can explain myself. i really dont know what else to say. just trust me. im not out to hurt you...believe me, i want us to work more than anything in this world. you just gotta believe in me and what im trying to do.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:days go by...
Time:8:31 am.
Mood: sick.
why did i leave a message? why did i do that? well i wanted to let it be known that things will be all good after this...but i know i shouldnt have let her known what i was feeling or something. i mean, i just dont know anymore...i really dont. im still butt-hurt about what she did and didnt do...bitter? nah i dont think so. but i am hurt in so many ways, i try so hard not to let it out cuz of the things that i have to keep up with these days. i guess i called cuz i wanted to make an effort in making things all right. i wanted one of the important things in my life to work out as well as God wants it to. i mean, few years ago i wasnt the type of person to commit to one thing let alone two things. but now im committing myself to 5 things at the most...and how i do them is beyond me. and 2 or maybe 3 out them is not just for me. its for all the things that will make my world go 'round and function so much better and lead to my happiness here on earth. im content..but i could be so much better if i wasnt missing fractions in my days now. im all bunched up inside cuz it seems like my effort is shit, i mean things can be worked out i know it. and things could be so fucking swell...i just know it. but this time, its not on me. im doing what i could...but it takes two to tango...you know what i mean?

its almost 10 o'clock in the morning....time for my bio class, and im still sitting here in the media center at school venting out on this journal. but fuuuuuuuuuccccckkkkk! if you only knew what goes on inside my head. if you only knew what my heart feels. if you only knew...

i know that all the possitivity shows. i know! i know you can see it...because everybody else that matters do. you just cant accept it...cuz youre too afraid. afraid that you dont deserve the better me. you dont know how to handle it cuz you know you cant live up to the goodness that ive worked on for the sake of us...not just myself. i know you see it...

all i want is for you to realize all this shit...everything that you should see, everything that you should hear, and everything that you should feel. because no one cares so much about you and what youre about more than i do...and you know it. so dont fuck up with what we have...because its here for a reason. and He shows me the way day by day...thats how i know im doing better. notice that...

well, time for class...
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, October 6th, 2002

Subject:start over???
Time:6:41 pm.
Mood: hot.
= TAKE ME AS I AM =

I never knew my father
I never knew his pain
With an empty home life
We're breaking down again
So when I feel like running
I have to look inside
I want to find the answers
I want to break my life

Fear falls down like rain
And it makes me whole again
Fear falls on me

Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not chokin'
I just want to let you know I'm still learning
Had to love again and start hurting

I want to know my darkness into a million suns
I need to find forgivness when all the pain is done
I wanna hear I'm sorry
I wanna let you go
I have to find my own life
I wanna learn to grow
Fear falls down like rain
And makes me whole again
Fear falls like rain

Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not chokin'
I just want to let you know I'm still learning
Had to love again and start hurting
It makes me whole again

Take me as I am
I'm not broken
Pieces of my life are not chokin'
I just want to let you know I'm still learning
Had to love again and start hurting
And start hurting


****************************************************

~ dont speak evil about something you dont understand...thatll only lead to self-corruption...~
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, October 5th, 2002

Subject:oooh ouch
Time:7:19 pm.
Mood: confused.
[2nd entry of the day]

i didnt think that id have such a crappy time at school today. but i did. im sitting here trying to look for songs that described my feelings right now. then i played 'separated' by avant. at first my emotions were playing along and felt it...until it got to the mean part. things arent that hardcore to have such harsh words in mind. so i kinna scratched that song. then more songs and more songs played and i cant seem to stumble any kind of song that expressed my feelings in particular. that one eclipse song 'days go by' played and i tried to compare...still to no avail...it got mean somewhere along the lines. and i realized. im not that bitter about this situation that im going through. just bummed, butt-hurt, i feel crummy, all bunched up. but needless to say...that i still feel like i would just never stop loving...ahem...her...

anyway, im here at my cousin pam's place. she invited me to sleep over and of course, im loving her company more and more now so i said sure. the coolest thing about this scenario is...shed be attending church with me tomorrow! isnt that dope?!!! well...i wouldnt think youd get it...but im so thrilled, is what im saying. well me and her are gonna play with her little baby brother now. so peace!
Comments: Add Your Own.

Subject:...::daaaaaammmmnnnnn::...
Time:6:08 pm.
Mood: okay.
GET AWAY

I'm back again, in this town, to find a girl that I use to know.
I bumped into a friend of mine and she told me where to go.
She said go right down to 56th Street and come left at the corner store.
It'll be a house on the other way hope she didn't move away.
I pray she's still around.
But somebody came to the door that I didn't know and I knew I had to let her go.
Is it over. All over.
I let a good girl get away.

How could I ever let here get away
Today is not a happy day
To many words that I had to say
Baby I miss you and I need your love
How could I ever let her get away
Today is not a happy day
It could have been our anniversary
I'll do anything to have you right here in my arms

Remember when we talked about all the things that we plan to do
Our wedding day, a house in the valley, and maybe a kid or two
We could of had it all baby
but some how it fell apart
I agree to take the blame, see i'm feeling so ashame, i never should of lied.
I'll give anything to see your pretty face again
Hold you, to feel you, heaven give me one more chance.

Only the possible
You need to turn back the hands of time
I'll do anything give anything
Just to make her mines
I can't live with out your love baby
I can't go on another day
Where did she go, I gotta know
I let a good girl get away, get away, get away

*************************************************************

~ i dont know why i put that song there. i guess it just got to me cuz its so sad...ok call me weird, who cares? ~

ok bye.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, October 4th, 2002

Subject:*phew*
Time:5:34 pm.
Mood: geeky.
so im sitting at home just waiting for my shipment. gosh! so anxious! still not here...ive been waiting since wednesday. well i just home from the city. my bio class had an excursion, California Academy of Sciences. the last time i was there was freshman year in high school. place looks at lot smaller now. iono why. anyway, im still sitting here waiting for the delivery! guess what im waiting for? dude, i got a dell! woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!! my mom's the bomb!

my moms been very supportive lately. shes helped me a lot when it involves school. like, a lot! since im trying to accomplish 2 things at once. ill be done with boston reed come february...and my med courses and pre-requisites for radiologic tech will still take awhile. but still, i can see why my mom has been the best. i mean crap! a brand new comp?! good thing her company has discount...otherwise she'd be spending about 2 g's for this. mmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn....

i came across a little piece of paper in my drawer today...and it had something that ive written, i dont know when...but it moved me.

here it goes:
*ahem-ahem*

she was all i ever wanted. id never had my body react to anyone so instantly it was so natural and so easy. i pull away from her, and it hurts. the only way to stop the pain was to kiss her again. she was an addiction. i had already been on quite a downward spiral. "i am a creature in need..." its simple enough to keep going. she's afraid i dont want to know what would happenif i let her go. she sees me as deeply unpredictable. afraid that the depth of my passion carried a heavy price; that my rage is always close by and would one day swallow her whole.

*phew*

~anyway. thats that! oh yeah, i showed my mom this girl in my lab class that looks so much like cameron diaz...she agrees as well! but i wasnt gonna be all gay and take a picture of her just to prove it to people! besides...i was too shy to ask. =P

*

i just found out about a fabulous new diet. it has two parts: first, you can only eat a baguette and can of sardines. second, you have to live in ethiopia. =P
Comments: Add Your Own.

Sunday, September 29th, 2002

Subject:school. school. school.
Time:11:24 am.
Mood:awake.
wow. i survived the first week of school. expensive books and the commute, i thought that they would kick my ass real bad....but they didnt! HA! good for me!

well i spent hundreds of dollars just for books this semester. excluding school supplies and fare money. then you know, theres the food...the starbucks...cigarettes. hehe! but dont worry sinka! your money only went to the bookstore...not your most hated place...STARFUCKS!

then theres medical assisting course! well its a good thing that they provide the books, materials, and equipment. well, i did have to buy my own scrubs, shoes, and stethoscope. hey, but other than that...im all set.

well going to foothill college on weekdays and boston reed on saturdays...drains the shit outta me! oh well...no pain, no gain.

well breakfast is ready...sistah gotta eat you know! well see yah all later. take care..one love...

God bless
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, September 13th, 2002

Subject:somethings buggin me fo sho
Time:11:43 pm.
Mood: lonely.
well im at my cousins house chillen in her room while she sleeps. fuck, i cant sleep. restless as a motha! well, the thing is. me and my lina are on this weird ass trip as bestfriends. backing off each other for a bit. not really talking for a minute, you know what i mean. our friendship had been put to test left and right, up and down. some we handled well, some we failed to pass. and couple of days ago...we just watched ourselves flunk big time! one of the things that i regret the most when it comes to us. and eversince, i havent been really sleeping well. 3 nights have past with this ill-communication and i dont like the feeling at all. not one bit. not that i dont trust her or whatever. its just that theres no reason for her to not do what she wants to do as far as her and i as one go. whatever it is, as much space ive asked from that she failed to give me...now that she needs hers...ill give it to her with no complain. like ive always been, ill be patient and humble once more.

im just really bunched up right now. not liking this empty feeling. worried - concern at the same time. i always get like this when im scared. real scared. i just dont want to lose her at all. her and i have mutual feelings as far as being in each others life is concerned. she cant be without me and i cant be without her. when we're not ok, her life is fucked up. and i guess this chill mode is for our strength, for "us"...as she says...she we'll be better and stronger when we need to handle things next time instead of letting our weakness tear us apart when difficult test and scenarios come along. shit! am i making any sense here at all? i dont know. whatevers. im just trying kill time until im really really really REALLY sleepy. shit, i should just stop thinking about this huh? and just fucking sleep it off or something.

well, i guess im going to do that then...good night. shit, i hope shes alright. i hope she calls. i hope shes thinking of me. i hope she misses me. i hope this goes away........
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Tuesday, September 10th, 2002

Subject:hmmmmm
Time:2:02 pm.
Mood: lazy.
AUGUST 31st...

finally got baptized! woo-hooo! INC for life. haha. representin' the sunnyvale locale! ok im a dork. well, im so happy though.

well school starts on the 21st of september. saturday, yeah...my first day at boston reed in santa clara. then the following monday, the 23rd...i start at foothill for radiologic technology. so im gonna be a busy bee. school 6 days a week. radio tech and med assisting. ill be taking 4 science classes. and 3 pre-requisites for rt. pretty major...i think i can handle it. well, enough about that.

ill type more later....peace!
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Monday, August 26th, 2002

Subject:weekend funnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!
Time:3:35 pm.
Mood: excited.
well after celebrating my actual bday with my immediate family last thursday, its time to have fun with my friends!

i attended worship service at the hayward locale last monday since i knew i wont be able to make it on thursday at the sunnyvale locale service...kinna bummed since i wanted to worship at sunny on my bday...but its all good! i had tons of fun having dinner with my family...its been awhile, you know.

friday, i spent the whole day in sunnyvale hanging out while mahalina worked...i had my bday and friday off, cool huh? anyway, went shopping while she dealt with her patients...hehe...how neat is that? especially when its not my money! hahahaha! well after her work we headed to our locale's grand evangelical mission which turned out quite well actually. oh wait! i forgot to mention that we went everywhere to look for old navy stores that had this specific sweater that i saw at southland mall...southland didnt have my size so i searched everywhere for it...but failed. oh well! bleh! well after the GEM, went to couple of places then went home...her home. and caught some ZZZzzzzzz's

saturday...woe up really early to head out to santa cruz...beach fun with church friends! what an outting...the usual stuff...played in the water, ate, played volleyball, etc....and watched the sunset as we had our bonfire going. it was pretty cool. didnt get home until hella late! wow...then more party! haha ssssssssssshhhhhh!

anyway...one of the things that was hella cool is that my friend mac baked a cake for me for my bday. which is so sweet cuz he didnt know how to bake...but he did for me...and he was so excited to show his work to everyone, including me...too sweet, i almost cried. =)*

anyway...and of course, sunday....church! needless t say that im super-dooper tired. but hey, at least i know that my sleep would be awesome once my head hts the pillow when its time for bed. =P

well thats my weekend fun! i know it may sound boring to some...but oh freaking well! ta-tah for now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


OH WAIT!!!! i wanted to add that im finally getting baptized into church of christ this saturday! oh my goodness! after months of trials, tests, and persecutions i finally made it...going to be written in the book of life. wow...!
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Thursday, August 22nd, 2002

Subject:HAPPY BIRTHDAY, to me!!!!
Time:3:32 pm.
Mood: happy.
im 23! whoop-tee-dooooooh!
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Wednesday, August 21st, 2002

Subject:written on the 16th of this month...
Time:11:57 am.
Mood: cheerful.
= HAULED OUT OF MADNESS =

door painted black as if it were to keep people off and away.
it opens and all the devilries shot out, shot in.
i stood outside as i watched the serpents.
raindrops injected through my skin,
didnt hurt my non-existence, immortality of this unrighteous being.
velvet rope drawn,
blood dripping out of it hitting the shiny concrete.
cascading,
elements on the ground kept the sinners standing firm.
"hey buddy, whats the deal?!",
as i look into his eyes and see right through him.
he looks down onto the book of death,
extends his arm with handful of tickets.
enough to make you drown.
instant winner of this place,
privileges as you burn.
making of your soul as it puts you in demand.
concealing myself as i pass the roaring line,
through the velvet rope,
and the dog of this forbidden sanctuary stamps my hand.
sealed with the flame as i walk through that black door.
i walk in with the grace of a beholder,
ridiculed the halflings.
feeding my soul with the food served from judas.
quenching my thirst with the drink that the sinister mixed just for me.
upright position,
determined to overcast the shadows of every demon in the room.
looked up and thought "nevermore".
then i stared straight ahead.
with my fist clenched,
nails digging into my skin.
heated with tempstresses breathing on me,
as they say,
"dance with me".
filled with guilt and what has driven me down under.
visions of malisciousness,
targeted by immorals.
someone's touched my flesh,
kicked up a notch of this wickedness.
my eyesight became blurry,
as the music pounds my body with its beat.
as i felt like a drum,
i moved like i was set free.
i push my leve up to 10,
still no limitations.
my blood rising,
my pulse of the timer,
myself out of control.
my body hits the floor...
...gone.
i open my eyes,
with someone's eyes fixated on mine.
eyes pierced me through i had to shut mine again.
his voice was soothing,
comforted my damaged being.
his words moved me with pain and understanding,
settimg me straight.
his arms wrapped around me as i heal,
lifted me up,
and pressed me against his body.
my tears burned my face as i hold on tight,
and pleaded...
...unworthy...


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


up until now i still believe that i dont deserve God's love. ive failed Him so many times in the past that i can never repay Him for what He has done for me. my life before i found myself in His grace was nothing but a huge test that i often failed as i stumble over and under its obstacles. even if i know that He has forgiven me for my sins, for i am only human bound to make mistakes...i know that id still have a difficult time forgiving myself for letting my being go that far. im still filled with guilt for ever turning my back on Him and cover myself with sins, the ways of this world, works of the flesh, and chance-given temptations. but even with all that in me, never again will i fail Him. never again will i let Him down due to lack of self-control. ive been guided to His will, and from now on ill dedicate my life serving God. and scenarios like that up there, like what i wrote up there, will never again happened to me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

oh yeah! tomorrow's my birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TO ME!!!! hahaha =P
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Tuesday, August 13th, 2002

Subject:hmmmm....hella birthdays!
Time:6:13 pm.
Mood: bored.
july 20- mac
july 28- mahalina
august 11- jommel
august 22- me!
september 15- pamela
september 17- lizette

needless to say that my ass had been broke for the last few weeks. hopefully ill get some moolah on my birthday, but who knows.

i really dont have much to say...bleh..

so yeah, have a good day!

tatah!
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