You know what they say, if it wasn’t for all the pain and suffering you’ve gone through...you wouldn’t be as strong as you are now. I’m not saying go out there and put yourself through shit so you’d be wiser and be firm with your own strength, but I suggest that you better know how to swim before you go diving in without knowing how deep the water is. Am I making any sense here?
Well this “friend” I thought I had, watched me, in first row, how I dealt with this certain scenario...that I just got out of. Convincing someone to let go of the past so I can move on without any guilt. Well, he watched me go through my ups and downs with different levels of faith at the same time. And at the end of all the things that I had to do to make things right, he actually said that he felt so bad for me. What’s that? A non-abruptive way of telling me that he feels sorry for me? Guy please...because I don’t even feel sorry or half bad for myself. This is just another ditch in the road...and then I’d keep moving afterwards. I mean if I’m going to sit here and feel bad and wallow in self-pity...where in the fuck would that take me? It reminds me of what my ex-gf used to say; “If I sat here and gave a fuck about what other people said and thought about me...where would that take me?” NOWHERE! So yeah, I’m not going to sit here and be butt-hurt that you feel sorry for me because of my life’s trials and tribulations...I’m not purposely trying to set myself up to get screwed her or anything you know. For once in my life, I’m actually trying to make things right. Not just for my sake, but for everyone else that I’m involved in. I’m just irked that I got involved with you.
Somewhere along the conversation he mentioned how my situation had traumatized him. Holy shit! I never asked him to stick around. He knew from the get-go that what I was going through is a bit tough from the “squares” point of view...for one, he’s closed-minded when it comes to bisexuality/homosexuality. So how in the hell would he know what people like that go through? Especially if we’re dealing with emotions here. I should say that I should feel sorry for him for being so clueless. And for someone who has the tools and the freedom to be doing so much better, lacks guidance in life. Ignorance can really be a fuck up the ass. But hey, I never held that over his. What was really stupid was that he tried to compare my obstacles to his. Which wasn’t really the biggest move ever...because believe you me, his confused ass was way too soft for my kind. Immaturity I swear, you would think that you’d never come across that in church...think again!
*takes a deep breath*
He’s least of my worries now, man. I’m sorry that he fell inlove with me. I’m sorry that he feels so much hatred towards me. I wasn’t out to hurt him, I just wanted to make things right with the things and people around me. I asked him to understand and he said he did. He said he was ready to go to war with me...metaphorically speaking...but he walked away. Ask me if I’m hurting. Of course I am, dude. He was supposed to be my boy. We were tight like that . It wasn’t even about him trying to get with me, it was about the friendship we’ve established. Rain or shine, we were homies. Not just that, he was my brother in Christ...
But it’s cool. I’m not tripping because I know I did my part to make things cool with everyone. I’m in the best shape I could ever be. Keeping up with both of my schools, my bestfriend and I are just great. My mom and my brother are in good health. Nothing could be better. All I know is that as long as I did my part with all my heart and with the faith that I have within and trusting everything in our Lord Jesus...then it’s not on me anymore, bro.
Things are peachy-keen...